I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
