I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Send help, water and tortillas.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
