Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
