The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
