She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
