I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize