Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
