marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
