I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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