Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
