The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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