I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
