Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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