I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
