guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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