if i can run in heels then i can drive
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
