Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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