my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
