I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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