Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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