when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he was CRYING into my vagina
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
