allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
