So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
