since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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