She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
