I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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