Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Randomize
