I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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