Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
