david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
