i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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