pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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