Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
