You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
