I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
