Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
