my phone needs a breathalizer
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
