I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize