I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
