i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
