I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
