We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize