You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I sprained my soul last night
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
