Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize