How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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