is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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