so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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