Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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