im about as happy as oj after his trial
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
