Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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