There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
