I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
