Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
