I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
