the condom got lost in my hair
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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