I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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