my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
