Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
