i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
