you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
