I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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