please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
