I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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